The Madonna Divorce: Shocking Prenup Revelations

madonna, celeb-jihad

Madonna‘s divorce from Guy Ritchie is well underway, and CelebJihad.com has obtained a copy of the prenuptial agreement. Buckle up and enjoy exclusive access to all the shocking details!

 

madonna, celeb-jihadRitchie will retain ownership of the couple’s estate in London, while Madonna will keep her home at Snake Mountain on the dark side of Eternia. She will also retain custody of the evil feline known only as Panthor.
madonna, celeb-jihadMadonna will continue to pay Ritchie a monthly stipend of $5000 dollars for a specially designed toothpaste that removes the taste of Warren Betty/Sean Penn/Sandra Bernhardt’s dick from his mouth.
madonna, celeb-jihadRitchie will be granted joint custody of the couple’s children, with the exception of “dat lil’ mow mow wanker. Black as thee ace of spades, ‘e is!”
madonna, celeb-jihadGuy Ritchie shall regain full custody of his balls. Madonna waives all visitation rights.
madonna, celeb-jihadMadonna shall retain the publishing rights to “Material Girl,” along with all other material possessions, including, but not limited to, the material world we are living in.
madonna, celeb-jihadIf Madonna fucks A-Rod, she shall have to wear a scarlet colored “A-ROD” on her chest. If Guy Ritchie fucks A-Rod, he shall have to wear a pink colored “GAY-ROD” on his chest. ZING!!!
madonna, celeb-jihadMadonna is no longer allowed to wear her “My Lemons Get Squeezed by a Limey Twat” tee-shirt.
madonna, celeb-jihadIf the divorce is due to Ritchie’s infidelity, Madonna shall have the right to shove no less than seventeen Kabbalah crystals up his ass.
madonna, celeb-jihadIf the divorce is due to Madonna‘s infidelity, Ritchie shall have the right to remove no more than seventeen Kabbalah crystals from her ass.
madonna, celeb-jihadRitchie will retain custody of the estimated 37,500 unsold copies of Madonna‘s 1992 book, “Sex.” Although Madonna herself will keep prototype copies and publishing rights for the unfinished sequel, “Sex with a Disgusting Old Saddlebag.”
madonna, celeb-jihadMadonna will lose custody of her adopted British accent, although she will have visitation rights on Boxing Day, and whenever she is drinking.
madonna, celeb-jihadRitchie waives all claims to heir of the throne of Neumodeada and will sign a non-disclosure agreement pertaining to Madonna’s yearly ceremony at the solstice, wherein her 1000 year old bones turn to dust and she is reborn from the carcass of viper fish.
madonna, celeb-jihadMadonna’s vagina is to be donated to astronomers who are anxious to study the effects of black holes on washed-up film directors.